I keep staring at this blog. Hoping it would write itself. Wondeing why I've let it collect so much dust. Am I more introverted now? Has it been a struggle of writing for myself vs. writing for an cyber audience. Or just uninspired.
In 2004 I had 110 posts. This year I have five. I can't image I had any less time then than I do now. What did I write in 2004?
My sister just posted a "test" post after stepping away from the blog for a bit. I've done those before. I may be doing one of those right now.
I've been thinking about Texas. About family. Especially now with all the little additions.
I've been thinking about life here in Portland. And how long I will be at my new job.
I've been thinking about my intentions. And whether they are in sync with my wife's.
I've been thinking about the subtle tension of whether to continue to pursue a life in Portland or find a place closer to family.
This is the ongoing conversion I have in my head. And it's dificult for me.
You see I really like it here in Portland. I would love to raise a kid here.
Take him camping.
Show him snow.
Ride bikes to food carts.
Feed the homeless.
Walk to parks.
Go on hikes.
We have an amazing church here. And we are slowly building a community. I just got an incredible job this Spring after graduating in Decemeber. Our lease is up in November and sometimes I daydream about buying a home here.
I know we are far from family but part of me wants to do the whole "big trip" to Grandparents for the holidays. I did that growing up and loved it. The trips just seemed much more special that way. It was something I would really look forward to.
But somedays I wonder if I am just trying to live out my own adventure at the cost of others.
Somedays I feel alone. Somedays I feel like I'm being selfish.
What scares me about moving back to Texas?
I'm scared the time we spend with family now would not be as intentional. As focused. As rich. I know this is probably not true at all. Most likely the opposite. But sometimes I think that.
I'm scared of urban sprawl. Of a two car dependency. Of gas prices and not being able to bike to work.
I'm scared we won't find a church like Imago.
I'm scared the parks won't be as pretty.
I'm scared I won't be able to walk to the grocery store.
I'm scared I'll never go fishing in Alaska again.
I'm scared to try to make new friends again. (I'm kind of a slow mover)
I'm scared of the job search. (not that I am even looking right now)
I'm scared of a lot of things. I really need to let it go. I need to pray about it. Most of these fears are fleeting. They come and go. And some carry more weight than others.
I'd like to get a few years in at my new job. Then maybe we can talk about this again.
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