my hands no longer look like wood stain but they do reek of paint thinner. i guess i should have worn gloves. the shelves are finally up in the office and slowly filling up with books. things are looking great.

turns out i get to make my exam for my contemporary theology class. i have to come up with fifty questions and then answer them in a true/false, multiple choice format. sounds good to me.

well my mind is quite removed from blog mode right now. i'm going to go do something else.

meanwhile, in world literature...

she says, has anyone ever heard the name or term machiavelli before and where?
i know this... i know this... this is my chance to add to the class discussion
i blurt out, tupac!
what!
tupac!
oh, i've never heard that before. i'm not sure i know what you are talking about.
what! don't know what i am talking about?
all eyes are on me now...
quickly i scan the room looking for some kind of confirmation from another student but they're shaking their heads no. some say i'm thinking of something else.
i plead my case further.
didn't mackiavelli say something about staging one's own death in order to maintain or gain political power? makaveli, although spelled differently, was the name used for two of tupac's videos released after his so called death. weird...
the teacher says she is not sure. never really heard of that.
what's going on here? am i the only thug in the class? i really don't even listen to rap music.
maybe tupac is a little before their time. i probably am one of the older students in the class.
i slide down into my chair and refrain from offering any more obscure references for the rest of the day.

i think i am done for now...

i have been typing a paper on faith transcending reason represented by beatrice and virgil in dante's divine comedy. plenty of good intentions here but i think i have entered a realm i'm not quite capable of handling. i kicked off my holiday break by going to the library to do some research for this paper and i had to end my thanksgiving festivities a little early today to come home and type. i guess that's what happens when you put the paper off for so long. i'm close to being done. i should have it knocked out tomorrow. i picked up the smashing pumpkins machina album from the library and i've been listening to it while i've been typing. it's pretty good. man, i'm tired.

definitely done for now...

dark to light...

9:00am. this seems to be my start time nowadays. i had such good intentions on getting up at 8:00 but somehow i ended up hitting the snooze button...six times. i slid on my running shorts, laced up my asics and went for a run around the block. Today was literally just that. A run around the block. I haven't gone running since Monday and who knows when the last time I ran outside was. Usually it's on a treadmill, nice and flat terrain in an air-conditioned room with a tv in front of me. It's cool and brisk this morning. A mist escapes my mouth when I breath. i stretch out and take off down the road. I feel good.

I felt good...

My legs are burning now. The mist is thicker with each heavy breath I take. I’m not doing so hot. Almost home.

Home now. Sweating like crazy. I make a shake and then get on the computer to check my e mail. I get one from a friend who brings so much encouragement to my day. She reminds me that we are God's workmanship, His poem, His masterpiece, His creation. this comes from the book of Ephesians chapter 2 verses 8-10 which ironically is the theme verse for our youth program at church. it's funny how you can sometimes preach all year on a certain topic and then forget to apply it to your own life. she also mentioned the contrast of light and dark (epheisans 5:8-10). it's because of our darkness that we are able to see the light. i realized this a little more clearer one afternoon earlier this year while sitting on a pinic table at pine cove looking out over the lake. it had been rainy all day but as the sun was setting the clouds started to break and the contrast of the dark rain clouds and the bright light of the sun was incredible. i quickly sketched out the trees in front of me. it was where the darkest of dark met with the lightest of light that the sharpest, most clear contrast could be made. it was radiant and intense as the light over took the darkness.

i was once a child of darkness but now i am a child of light. Praise be to God who causes all things to work for good to those who are in Christ Jesus and who will perfect His good work in us until Christ's return.

because i have a test...

it's now close to nine o'clock in the am. brent and i have been watching the line at starbucks fluctuate in length for about a half hour. we exchange a few more lines from saturday night live then decide to line up with the masses for our fix. i try again to explain to brent that a soy chai will not make him a woman but he still won't try one. we returned to our seats outside only to find that the magazine i had strategically placed on the table beforehand was now covered by some man's book. clearly he does not understand the coffee shop code for reserving tables. i wanted to toss a coffee bomb his way but instead i collected what belonged to me and found another table. he looked pretty established so i let him be.

brent and i talked more about life, church, the flowerplex. we talked about being honest and transparent. we talked about the kids in our youth group. i told him i'm having a hard time moving on, moving away from the past. i'm having a hard time trusting God and seeing myself washed clean by His grace. like when it seems like God is giving me something my reaction tends to be, "are you sure you want to give that to me?"

some baristas joined us outside during their break. i had my copy of relevant magazine sitting on the table and one of them asked me if she could read it after noticing mase on the cover. she said she grew up listen to him and was excited that he was a "preacher" now. she asked me if she could hold onto the mag for a day to read the article. i told her she could have it. hopefully she will read more than the mase article.

the rain is coming down harder now. my chai is cooling off. i looked at my watch. it read 10:05. i need to leave for school.

the windshield wipers on my car move a little slower these days which is impairing my vision and making the drive difficult. there are moments during the drive when everything in front of me is a gray blur. the rain is coming down hard. my wheels catch and drag in the puddles on the highway. i thought for sure that the backwash from the mack truck next to me would send me into a flat spin like maverick in top gun and send me off into on-coming traffic. if it wasn't for my test in world literature i would have left the drive for someone else.

the test today is all essay. the teacher gave us four pieces of text from the various works we have read in class. we had to pick two of them and identify the name of the work, the author and the significance of the writing. i knew all of them, picked the two i thought i knew the most about and then started to write. hopefully i wrote enough. i've never been good at that whole writing thing.

the drive back home after spending a grand total of thirty four minutes on campus is much the the same as the drive to school. rainy. i took it slow. however despite the fact that i was traveling under the speed limit most of the time the trip didn't feel any longer. maybe it was because i couldn't see anything. or maybe its because the sweet tunes from jimmy eat world spinning in my dash preoccupied my thoughts. who knows. i'm home.

i'm a big fan of the cooler weather. even though my blood is thin and the circulation to my phalanges(sp?) isn't that great causing serious frost bite, i am enjoying these cool, overcast days.

i'm heading to fort worth with some good friends this afternoon to do who knows what. so i'm bringing a camera.

my mom asked me if i want to go get some coffee saturday morning and then go look for a dog at an adopt a pet. i feel like a little kid after writing that last sentence but i am excited none the less. our current dog isn't doing so hot. i'm afraid this winter season might break her spirit.

lets see...what else. i got nothing. today's been pretty good so far. got a fat review sheet for my world lit test on monday so i need to get crackin' on that.

ok, i'm out...

can i get an AMEN!!!

today for class we had a local pastor come in and give the lecture. he kicked things off talking about virtues and then opened things up for questions and discussion. for the next hour we were hit with his three points to this, five concepts of that, seven sources for this, 40 days of (insert relevant word here) and a barrage of amens. oh, and i can't forget about his acrosstic for "WORD". i don't know what it is but i just shut down when someone says, "let me give you my five points to living a virtuous life. " and why are we still using cute acrosstics to define or clarify other words? i'm somewhat frustrated now not only with the pastor but with myself for thinking he could have giving a better lecture.

sometimes you have to wait until the end of the season to see the fruits of your labor...

this past weekend was an incredibly busy one for me. brent preached in big church which left me in charge of the high school sunday school. i've never taught high school before so i was a little nervous. to make things even more crazy, most of the youth staff were out enjoying honeymoons and what have you so i had to sort of build a crew to help me out. thankfully my buddy jude came through and taught the junior high sunday school while i took care of the announcements and the high school lesson. hey, announcements are a big deal at our church. i really think that being able to do the announcements is one of the spiritual gifts. well not really but a lot goes into announcement time for the sunday school classes. but all in all i think things went well. for high school we've been on this head to heart series and looking at how the christian walk fleshes itself out. so for sunday night i thought we would just have a night of prayer and praise. give the students a chance to reflect on their spiritual walk and what that means to them. i had the kids get into small groups and i told them to first get to know each other and then pray for each other. i don't know how many of them really got around to praying but hopefully a little bit of unity developed. i think the night went pretty well.

on top of having to prepare for sunday i officially became a wedding singer this weekend. what originally started out as me backing up william on guitar for three songs to be played as people filed in at the beginning of the wedding turned into three songs to be played during the ceremony in addition to twenty minutes of prelude music. so saturday morning, the day of the wedding at around eleven, william and i with guitars in hand were trying to come up with enough wedding appropriate music to play before the ceremony that would last twenty minutes. i really only know worship songs and he just freestyles so we did our best to combine to two. we came up a little sort in the prelude and had to repeat a song and we farted on some chords during canon in d but i don't think anyone noticed. a woman did ask william and i if we had a business card. we'll be kickin' off our wedding tour next month.

some other randomness:

-i helped another turtle across the road today.

-during a class discussion on friday a girl mentioned that the jewelry store james avery will be discontinuing much of their jewelry with crosses on them because that particular symbol is no longer popular. that's kind of a sad thought really. the cross no longer being popular.

-when the guy last night at wingstop asked me for my name so he could write it on the order i told him my name was bono. misunderstanding what i said he repeated back to me "boner". i told him no and decided i should probably change it to "the edge". he looked at me kind of funny but said ok. when i finally got my order the guy informed me that my new name was "bonito". i guess somebody thinks i'm cute.

-i love eggnog lattes.

freshman guys bible study: part three...

only two guys showed up tonight for bible study. maybe its the weather or maybe they all have to study for a test. maybe they've come down with a bad case of CRS disease. it was kind of disappointing. but whatever the cause of their absence may be we made the best of the evening by watching "aisha" videos on ebaums world, played a few rounds of halo, and then hauled off to goatman's bridge out in copper canyon for a little late night scare. we were going to go to the bridge last week with it being halloween and all but we never made it. plus we wanted to get some info on the whole goatman story first. legend has it that if you drive out to the bridge at night and honk your horn 12 times the goatman will appear. its still sketchy as to how the goatman came into existence to begin with but i heard that long ago a man was hanged from that bridge wearing the head of a goat over his. when whoever murdered the man returned for the body the only thing left was the rope still attached to the bridge. the goatman was gone. but strange things have occurred since then to motorists who have crossed that bridge. cars have stalled out. doors locking and unlocking randomly. and some have seen what looks to be like lanterns floating about six feet off the ground over the creek below the bridge. ok, now i am a little scared. i think i just wet my pants. here's an interesting, non-scary fact about the bridge: it was built in 1884 by the King Iron and Bridge Manufacturing Company of Cleveland, Ohio, and stands alone as the last remaining Pratt Truss Bridge in Denton County.

so that's all i got. i hope the boys had fun. next week we'll spend more time in the word.

roll out the red carpet...

I was trying to remember a dream I had earlier in between the snooze on my alarm clock when I was chased out of bed by the guys coming to replace our carpet. I was close to getting up anyway but when some strange man charged into my room with a tape measurer and a box cutter I figured, why fight it, I'm up. Our house is a wreck right now. My bedroom has relocated to the living room/dining room/garage. My stuff is everywhere. Hopefully this will all be over soon. One thing I have learned so far from this whole experience is to buy lighter furniture.

When the warrior embraced me...

"It was long ago, I remember it still, that i was hewn down at the wood's edge, taken from my stump. Strong foes seized me there, hewed me to the shape they wished to see, commanded me to lift their criminals. Men carried me on their shoulders, then set me on a hill; foes enough fastened me there. Then i saw the Lord of mankind hasten with stout heart, for he would climb upon me. I dared not bow or break against God's word when i saw earth's surface tremble. I might have felled all foes, but I stood fast. Then the young Hero stripped himself, that was God Almighty, strong and stouthearted. He climbed on the high gallows, bold in the sight of many, when he would free mankind. I trembled when the Warrior embraced me, yet I dared not bow to earth, fall to the ground's surface; but I must stand fast. I was raised up, a cross; I lifted up the Mighty King, Lord of Heavens: I dared not bend. They pierced me with dark nails; the wounds are seen on me, open gashes of hatred. Nor did i dare harm any of them. They mocked us both together. I was all wet with blood, drenched from the side of that man after he had sent forth His spirit. I had endured many bitter happenings on that hill. i saw the God of Hosts cruelly racked. The shades of night had covered the Ruler's body with their mists, the bright splendor. Shadow came forth, dark beneath the clouds. All creation wept, bewailed the King's fall; Christ was on Cross.

this piece of text comes from an old english poem called The Dream of the Rood. the author is unknown. the story is anthropomorphic written in the perspective of the cross. what grabbed my attention was when the Cross says, "i trembled when the Warrior embraced me." In the same sentence the author not only reveals Christ's compassion but also calls Him Warrior. A characteristic the Jews wanted and something i think the modern christian often neglects. when espn was broadcasting out of iraq a few weeks ago the general of the army would greet the soldiers by saying, "good morning, warriors." what if our pastors greeted us the same way?

there were times in my life when friday night was guaranteed to be a night out hanging with friends. not having plans could possibly move you down to the "uncool" level in the social hierarchy. that was important to me in high school. and even a couple years into college. but now i'm totally ok with spending a friday night alone.

last night i went out for dinner with my parents to palios pizza. a local flavor here in the flowerplex that i would suggest you try if you haven't yet. then my parents split for a night of dancing and went home. i watched the movie thirteen, which i thought was very good, then i spent the rest of the night on my back porch reading next to the chimenea with the rain falling through the trees. very relaxing i must say.

today i have to paint the "barn" in our back yard and then it's off to see the greatness of the david crowder band down in dallas tonight.

today i need...

vision to see past the stereotypes...

wisdom to think past the cliches...

a boldness to speak what's on my mind...

and a love that is not of me...

on the road again...

right now i am milking a post-coffee/caffeine headache, the atmosphere in the classroom is hot and sticky and my right eye keeps twitching. i'm writing just to stay awake. seems i've been lacking the much needed energy to get through the day lately. but on a more positive note i did happen to score a really good parking spot on campus not once, but twice despite all the congestion caused by the job fair DBU is hosting today. i also had a really good drive to school. i listened to some old school jimmy eat world and death cab for cutie and i had some nice reflection time. today i realized that i have to make that forty minute drive to and from school whether i like it or not and it's up to me to make the best of it. most people try to tell me that my commute sucks but it really doesn't. it gives me at least eighty minutes a day to think, pray, and sing when nobody else can hear me.

cellphones: roadside help, hazard...

this really isn't going to be some profound thought. that was never the intention. just an observation i made during my trek to school this morning. i was sitting at an intersection in town. in the lane directly opposite from me a man appeared to be having some trouble with his car. the car was stopped in the middle of the lane, hazard lights off, and the owner of the vehicle was pacing around the car while chatting on his cellphone. meanwhile traffic continued to make its way around this new obstacle. while this man's use of the cellphone was probably securing aid to his troubled car, it also brought him within inches of becoming someone's hood ornament. oblivious to the ongoing traffic, this preoccupied man paced in and out of turning lanes and traffic as he moved around his car. i watched from across the intesection as this unfortunate event came closer to becoming more unfortunate as cars dodged the immobile car and then the distracted cellphone-yaking man.

so that's what i got so far. i'm heading to class now. and remember that when you're chatting on your cellphone there is a world spinning on around you. try to step out of the mess for a second. i just don't think cars and cellphones mix very well, whatever the case may be.

ok, i gotta go.

well done boys. looks like the ax will stay one more year in the hands of our beloved marcus marauders.

under the boardwalk...

this weather has been incredible these past few days. i've had the window open and the a/c off. last night the wind blowing through the trees sounded like waves breaking along the coastline. it reminded me of times spent up in strathmere new jersey at my grandparents beach house. i really love spending summers up there, but it's been a while since i've paid a visit to the southern coast of the garden state. my family would spend anywhere from one to three weeks at the beach house every other summer. each day would involve waking up around nine, eating a hearty breakfast consisting of fruit (grandma always made us eat fruit) followed by as much crumb cake we could get away with. then we would pack a lunch, gather up the boogie boards and beach chairs and walk across the street to the beach. we would spend hours swallowing surf, collecting shells, creating castles only to watch the tide slowly destroy them. sometimes the best part was trying to drive off the relentless waves with a giant wall of sand. the waves would always win. we would usually wrap up the day at the beach around four or five in order to get ready for the evening events which would include a "friendly" round of putt-putt golf or an off broadway show in atlantic city, or maybe just an ice cream run followed by people-watching on the boardwalk in ocean city. i love the boardwalk in ocean city. the sound of the ocean washing up underneath the wooden planks, the smell of fudge and carmel popcorn. people everywhere. carnival rides and annoying seagulls. it's such a fun way to end the day. to me one of the best feelings in the world is the feeling you get from spending the day at the beach. your hair is wind blown and salty, feet callous and dry, back and shoulders are burned, and your tired. the shower feels great afterwards and dinner is even better. i remember one time laying in bed and i could still feel my body rising and falling with the tide. then i would fall asleep only to do it all over again the next day.

so my grandparents have a beach house in the garden state that can sleep eight. road trip anyone? the sign ups begin today.

meant to live...

for those of you who know me you would know that i am a pretty serious switchfoot fan. i love those guys. i think if i could be in anyone else's shoes it would be theirs. surf-rockers from southern california. i mean...come on! anyway, i popped in their newest album today just so i could listen to the ever so popular rock ballad meant to live. i felt it was quite appropriate for the moment. some people might think of me as being cynical, maybe judgmental, others may consider me malcontent. but whatever the case may be i can't help looking at life with the mindset that we are created to live for so much more than what we settle for. so much more than what society hands us. this afternoon i played the song over and over again while singing at the top of my lungs. sometimes i feel like we burn away long hours in the day just to meet the status quo but never truly begin to live. if you think i am cynic please be patient with me. i don't have the answers cause i'm still learning how to breathe in these abundant skies.

by the way, switchfoot will be in concert down in austin on november 13th i believe. anyone up for a road trip?

Jesus wept...

i pulled out my gray slacks from the closet and attempted to put them on. no amount of inhaling or sucking in of the stomach could get these pants around my waist. it has been a long time since i put on some nice clothes and with the selection in my closet it showed. i settled for the black pin-stripes i got from target and a dark green shirt. today i am going to my first funeral. a long time friend of the family died last friday from a sudden heart attack. right now i need to back track for a second as best as i can so that all this will make a little more sense.

my parents came to the great state of texas back in '77 or '78. my dad took a job with Texas Instrument after graduating college and with his new bride left family and friends in new jersey to pursue a new chapter in their life down in richardson, tx. in what i have understood to be a stormy season in their life God brought to them a wonderful couple haling from the chicago area in pursuit of a professional golf career down in dallas. the schindlers entered into my parents life and shortly there after Jesus enter also. a bible study formed which would include others but most importantly for this particular blog would include the brown family. kim and mary brown, bob and beth schindler, and my parents seem to have formed an incredible bond which was so evident this past week during the funeral events. i know that the first year or two before my birth and at least the first five years of my life my parents had a close friendship with these people i think mostly due to the fact that both the browns and my parents where now exploring the world in light of their new birth as christians. i can only draw from stories i have heard and very vague memories but i think this was a very exciting time for all of them. as time went by, more kids were born and families moved further apart, it became harder and harder to keep a close connection.

so when the news came to me saturday morning that kim brown had died that friday my heart sank. in one weekend a monsoon of memories separated by almost two decades came flooding back to my parents. a friendship that was mostly kept together by Christmas cards was now bittersweetly revived and reunited. the schindlers flew in from north carolina and stayed at our house for the weekend. the funeral would be held on tuesday.

what happened the next few days seemed too much like a movie. i felt as if i should have had a camera to capture the dialogue that transpired. a death in the family brings these couples back together and the importance of having and maintaining an unmasked, raw, honest, and caring friendship is realized. the schinlders entered back into our lives as if they had never been gone. even though it had been years since we had last seen them catching up with them didn't take long. there was something about this relationship that seemed so real, so authentic. as i sat in the back of the car and listened to my mom and "aunt" beth talk back and forth while we drove to the funeral i heard my mom commuicate in a way i am not sure i have heard her communicate with anyone else before. it's so hard to explain but there was a beautiful bond there. the same could be said with the browns. althought i wasn't around as much as my mom was that weekend i will never forget the exchange of words and the heartfelt expressions that occurred when we left the funeral reception at the brown's house. as we said goodbye, beth, mary, and mom stood around each other and confessed how much they wished they kept in better touch and how much each of our families have paralleled the other.

i realize more and more now that an authentic relationship with someone takes much effort to pursue. it takes honesty and a willingness to ask the hard questions that dig deep into someones life. it takes time. it's takes sacrifice. it takes love. it takes going out of your way and hanging up your desires for a moment to share in someone elses. at first glance it can seem hard but what i saw this weekend made it worth the pursuit. i am so thankful for what i got to see a glimpse of this weekend. i pray for mary brown, her two sons matt and jeffery and her daughter heather that they will find comfort and understanding in all of this. i know kim brown is now in heaven. the funeral was nice. i can't imagine what would be going through a non-christian's mind while sitting in a funeral. seems like it would be a pretty depressing experience.

which brings me to my next thought about last weeks events. during the drive back to my house after all the funeral events, my godfather, psuedo-uncle, and friend bob schindler and i discussed funeral events and how christians should view them. in my immaturity i told him that i want my funeral to be more like a celebration. a party more or less. no need to be sad. bob them began to talk about one of his favorite passages found in the book of john, chapter 11 which talks about Jesus raising lazarus from the dead. although Christ knew that Lazarus would "awaken" again, when he saw the jewish people gathering around the tomb weeping he was deeply moved and in the sortest verse in the bible verse 35 says, "Jesus wept." it seems that there is a time for mourning. that there is a time to be sad. kim brown will be missed and my heart weeps with the family but i rejoice knowing that he is in fellowship now with our creator and heavenly father.

to all the Christians who are voting for bush because you are a Christian...

GET OVER IT!!!!

to all the Christians who feel pressured by other Christians to vote for bush because you are Christian...

GET OVER IT!!!

you guys are all lame. God is not a republican or a democrat. be the change you want to see and stop using God as a political agenda. i don't think our country is going to be any more "blessed" with either one of those dudes running it. if anything vote for pedro sanchez. he offers you his protection.

i love cool damp nights like tonight. the kind of nights the street lights reveal the slowly falling mist and you can see your breath when you exhale. nights like these just seem more peaceful. they bring back great memories.

it's a sweater!

today is my dad's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! for dinner we went to this place called babes in roanoke. they serve two dishes and two dishes only. chicken fried chicken and chicken fried steak. the food was great. we also got all the biscuits and gravy, mashed potatoes and corn we could eat. It was definitely worth the hour and fifteen minute wait. people brought lawn chairs and coolers full of beer and just hung out while they waited for their table. it was kind of fun. the weather was great and i had a wonderful time sitting outside talking with my parents while we waited for our table.

i bought a chimenea today for my dad's birthday. i think it will compliment our back porch nicely. i can't wait to use it.

the show last night in dallas was great. ethan durrelle's performance was too short but they sounded amazing. cool hand luke was good. it has been a long time since i have been to a concert that the band took a minute to talk about their faith. it was actually kind of cool. and this other band called stella...something, i forgot what they were called, was really good.

and again, i still can't figure it out...

so today i was late to class. not too late but i had a test today so you never want to be even a few seconds late for that. things just started popping up. i had to gas up, i had to get a scantron, i needed to print out my essay which was part of the test today. i needed to drive thirty five miles to school. a thirty five mile commute i am beginning to loathe. i spend around 450 minutes a week driving to and from school. that really adds up and today was one of those days that i could have counted on both hands the number of things i would rather be doing then driving to school. i practically live out of my car. i really need to work my schedule out so i don't have to go down there every day. i am feeling a bit thin these days. i drive to dallas and i hit the ground running with school. i drive home and i hit the ground running with work at the church, maybe family time and unfortunately my school work has followed me home too. i'm so glad fall break is next week. i need to figure all this out.

well i am kickin this break off by seeing ethan durelle down in dallas. should be a great show.

i still can't figure it out...

i thought i was going to be five minutes late to my first class this morning but when i pulled into the parking lot at school i finally realized that i was actually 55 minutes early. i know i slept a little bit longer than i intended to but why i rushed to get out of the house i still can't figure out. major case of tired head this morning.

on the flip side...

today on the way to class i decided to take a back road through a more rural area. i was cruising down the road and came upon a turtle making it's way across the street. as i raced by it's little head tucked quickly back into its shell. i felt sorry for the little guy because it was not making very good progress with all the cars passing by so i turned around to go help it out. yep, i got out of my car and carried the little guy across the road. my good deed for the day.

switchfoot was on letterman tonight. i really hope those guys aren't selling out cause they are cutting out some key lyrics in their songs during live performances. (nathan, don't give me any crap) i guess we'll see what happens when the new record comes out.

it was an interesting night tonight with the freshman guys bible study. i've been sitting in with these guys the last couple of weeks and we've been going through the book of job. well tonight we took a little detour and talked about spiritual training, why it's important and how we go about doing it. at the end of the lesson ian, the guy leading the study, asked the guys if they would commit to spending time in prayer and in the word at least three days a week. seems fair i guess. at first i wanted to go on some huge rant about how refreshing it is to spend time with the lord and that we really should do it every day. and how i now give up exercising in the morning if i don't get enough time with God. how i make sure i spend some time in prayer, not in the shower or in my car on the way to school, but sitting still. i wanted these guys to be excited about all this. i want them to understand. then i remembered that everything i have just mentioned pretty much started this week. i am 23 years old and it has now been nine years since i was a freshman in high school. nine year ago someone was probably telling me the same thing. nine years later i am starting to listen. even though these guys don't seem as excited about making this commitment or maybe they just don't no where to begin, my hope is that they don't wait nine more years to start spending time with the Lord. i hope that they see God as being so much bigger than thirty minutes a day three days a week. i hope they see the scripture as living and active. i hope they understand. i hope they don't spend those nine years separating life and God like i did. God is life. He is the giver and sustainer of life. He is what makes life worth living for. he is creatively, wonderfully and gloriously involved throughout the entire earth. i hope they understand. i really hope they understand.

man i am exhausted. tonight was our college led worship service up at church. i have to say things went a lot better then i had originally expected. we thought we would have issues with the sound but the sound was the best that auditorium has heard since it's been built. we thought that an hour and a half of straight singing would be too much but it could have been more. i thought i was going to mess up on my intro to "none compare" but i didn't. we had a crowd and such positive feedback. people kept asking us if we are going to do this next weekend. i would love to but we really don't have the man power to do so right now. running a full-blown service takes a lot of work. it was such a great experience tonight. words really can't explain what a joy it was to see people of all ages joining together in worship and celebration. it was a breath of fresh air and a great start to something i think would be a great addition to our church.

take some time to play in the shadows because reality stalks you right behind the door...

this is real random but my wonderful mother paid for me to get a full-body massage down at the swedish institute in dallas. nice place really. great atmosphere and the staff is amazing but before i go any farther let me just say that i really didn't go there. i wouldn't touch that place with a hundred foot pole. however i did get a massage today. my very first one and maybe my last. it was nice but i find that reading a book on my back porch with a cup of coffee can be just as relaxing. i really appreciate my mom doing that for me though. definitely out of the blue. it was just weird having someone else work for my relaxation.

good times...

yesterday just seemed to drag and i'm not really sure why. i got up around 7:30, had two cups of coffee and read on my back porch. very relaxing i must say. then i took a shower, ate, and began my forty minute commute to school. i have the same teacher for my first two classes which are back to back and in the same room. so needless to say i take a few laps around the building in between class to break up the monotony. but yesterday even the step outside couldn't make these classes go by any faster. i finished up class around 5:00 then headed over to starbucks to read for an hour and grab a pick-me-up. i was tired and not really looking forward to doing anything else. but the plan for the rest of the night was to some how hook up with my friend jennifer visiting from corpus and my other friend jay living in carrolton. jay had to read for school so he couldn't hang until later so i caught up with jennifer at her hotel and we went to grab some dinner. we at this place called the cosmic cafe in dallas. it turned out to be a really nice evening for a day that wouldn't seem to end. the weather was great so we ate outside and the conversation was pleasant. it's so fun laughing and talking about old times. later jay met up with us and we went to the liquid lounge to get some passes for next weekends north texas music festival. i had a really good time last night but i think now the food is getting the best of me.

and then he said...

i am finding out how inadequate i really am and how more God-dependent i need to be.


it's funny how prayer sometimes ends up being the last resort in my life. ok that wasn't really funny but it's true. this has really been evident these last few weeks with several of our church staff in the process of rethinking worship and our approach and response to it. we are in the process of creating a more "emergent" worship gathering open to the whole church but with a different structure then our usual sunday worship. i've so many ideas for stuff i would like to see happen but i have a problem with being so bull-headed about it. i've really had to take a step back and ask myself if the things i want to see happen and the way i go about making them happen glorifying to God and will they make Him known (in a good way)? and then after much huff and puff because what i want is not happening right away i think about praying. not so that i would get my way but so i would understand God's way and what His plans are. so with all that said i need to get off this thing and go spend some time with the Lord.

noise, noise, noise...

i think i have trained myself to be busy because i am uncomfortable with rest. this may sound crazy but for the first time ever or in a really long time, the first thing i did when i woke up this morning was attempt to have a quiet time. well i got to be honest it felt kind of awkward. i sat in my room trying to decide what to read in the bible. then i thought about what i was going to eat for breakfast. and then i thought about what to pray for. started praying and then started thinking about what i was going to wear, what books in needed today, how much time i needed to get ready. then i remembered i was in the middle of a prayer.

it's so hard to be still in an instant culture.

i've really been wrestling a lot lately with this book called Emerging Worship along with it's companion book The Emerging Church. Basically these two books try to answer the question, "Where are all the twenty-somethings going for church if they are going at all?" these books suggest ways to possibly bridge the gap between the modern and postmodern church. i wrestle with this because i can't help but feel that the church i currently attend is just dripping with modernity. These books surprisingly solidified many observations i had made previous to reading them and that scares me. i recently attended a real men's Bible conference last weekend, an event my church does every year. we had two really dynamic speakers along with a wild game cook-out at the end of the conference. this conference is open to all men in the church and it's encouraged that dads bring their children but as i observed the men in attendance i think it's safe to say that me and one other guy were the only ones under twenty five. i don't think that's ok and that's why i wrestle. some could toss the lack of attendance up to a bad schedule (friday night and saturday morning) but the crazy thing is is that there is a church down the street with a saturday night service loaded with young people. with a town of more than three thousand high school kids i'm not sure we have made them a priority.

Great Expectations...

Today i had some grand plans to get things done. i got up to church just before ten and the plan was to first spend some time in the word supplemented by homework from my spiritual formations class. then i was going to work some more on my spiritual autobiography which is due next week. then i was going to putt around on the computer. i've been needing to transfer pictures from my camera to the computer and i need to start organizing all my worship songs into power point presentations. needless to say i was excited about my plan and was ready to get started. well, lets just say that because of an 11:00 auburn game i wasn't able to get everything done i had originally hoped to do. no worries mate and brent i am not bitter. i was still able to get other stuff taken care of.

turns out i wasn't the only one who saw a mountain lion the other day. i picked up the local paper this morning and on the front cover was an article about the sighting. apparently every once in a while a lion will find its way into flower mound to do a little shopping at super target and then wash it down with a frappucino from starbucks.

it's about 3:00 now and i just saw myself in the mirror. sad to say but it looks like i shaved in the dark.

lets see...

yesterday i saw a mountain lion on the side of the road just watching the afternoon traffic pass by. for a split second i had this mystic feeling like the lion was a dead relative or something. you know, like in all those little disney movies where the little native american boy sees a wolf run through the forrest and it's suppose to be like his dead grandpa or something. didn't see that one, ey? well i thought it was cool. not everyday a mountain lion graces the suburbs.

i got a wart frozen off my finger today.

i got my electric guitar back from the shop. i really need to buy an amp for that thing.

today was my last day at starbucks and i was just getting the hang of it too.

i think i'll go do some homework now.

josie and the pontiacs...

there was a time in my life when i actually wished i had one of those old junky cars that you could tell all those funny stories about. you know, you would be sitting around with your friends and someone would break out with "remember that time we (add your crazy car story here)" and then everyone would laugh. well after spending the afternoon on the side of highway 114 waiting for my dad to bring me a new altinator i decided that having one of those junky cars was not as much fun as i thought it would be.

during my drive to school yesterday i noticed that my battery light turned on and i watched the meter reading drop lower than normal. i had just replaced the battery not long ago so i didn't think it would be that. i went to class, had some coffee with some friends i hadn't seen in a year, found out i have to take an intro to fine arts class still which really bites considering i was an architect/interior design major for three years, and then went back to class. around 5:00 i hit the road to head home. the meter reading had dropped even lower. basically i was just running my car straight off the battery. i was probably about ten miles away from home when my car just turned off and i coasted to the side of the road. i called my dad who thankfully had gotten the part earlier in that day and was on his way to help me out. i passed the time by reading psalm 31, the owners manual for my car, along with old bank statements i found underneath my seat. my dad finally showed up and we replaced it right there on the side of the highway. now josie, thats the name of my car, is running fine.

in brief, here are a few other funny situations i've experienced with josie:
-having the horn honk everytime you made a left turn or even just changing to the left lane. definitely got some confused looks from other motorists as i unintentionally honked at them.
-watching my speedometer dance in sync with my turn signal.
-the classic having to crawl through the trunk to unlock my doors.

if you have some great car stories please share...

substance and motives revealed...

sorry shock-jocks but there wont be much to talk about around the water cooler today. despite the best efforts of the week long preshow and the encouragement by dave chappelle, MTV's VMA show that aired last night proceeded just as "planned". or rather not as planned. for some, last night was a chance again to glorify controversy. a chance to expose a boob. a chance for two girls to kiss. but instead musicians performed, awards were handed out, and people danced. i hope this doesn't hurt the ratings.

i think it's sad that probably the majority of the people there could care less about the artistic interpretation of a video or its cinematography. it's become such a who's who's, roll out the red carpet event. it's shallow and gaudy and i'm glad i didn't spend anymore time on it then i did. in the words of the great male-model hansel, "award shows are bogus." however i am glad that a station that influences so many teens encouraged the need to vote. they even made it seem like something fun to do. if only the church pushed political responsibility more.

in closing, thank God for polyphonic spree.

today while driving home from school i noticed on the back windshield of this guys car a sticker of a clenched hand with the middle finger standing straight up. i really wanted to flip this guy off just to see his reaction but i didn't. however if i do see him again i will give him the bird. maybe even an inverted double bird with a mctwist. hey if that's the agenda he's gonna push i guess i could give him a little support.

well i am now four days into the fall semester of school and i am already a little behind in one of my classes. but in my defense my professor has conjured up a work load that one could solely focus on and be busy with the entire year. ironically it happens to be my spiritual formation class. something about daily work and spiritual formation seem to go together.

today at school i parked next to a lamborghini. then i stood next to the lamborghini for a few and asked people as they passed by if they liked my new ride. lame i know but i don't have any skills. chicks dig guys with skills.

oh, did i mention that this is a dbu student's lamborghini?

saw collateral the other night. kind of a cool flick if you look at the relational side of it. how tom cruise's character affects jamie foxx's. good movie for discussion but i would wait to rent it.

i think i am going to take my electric guitar to the shop tomorrow and get it a tune up. after my amp was stolen two years ago the guitar has just been a dust collector. to long has the sword sat in the stone. it is time. it is time.

the other night after our houston trip "report back to the people" i shook hands with my new boss brent. with much enthusiasms and excitement i accepted a job to work with the high school student ministry at crossroads bible church. honestly i am sad that i will have to leave starbucks but i'm pretty sure the direction i am heading now is something i would much rather do the rest of my life. only three months into it and i was already tired of making frappuccinos.

the thought that i'll now be working for a church i have been apart of for so long hasn't quite sunk in yet so i'll be chalking all this up as "it's funny how things have worked out".

well i am off to school today. as much as i have been anticipating this day i have to say that i am not quite in school mode yet. i still have somewhat of this careless, no-agenda mindset that will probably only be broken by the first quiz or test. but i do hope i snap back into it sooner just to avoid a low grade or two.

i bought a bottle of wine at the world market today and the guy at the counter didn't card me. well i am glad that i do look over 21 but man help a brother out cuz i am still trying to qualify for the the "we card under 30" gig. do i really look that old?

going to waco tonight to watch becca play a "friendly" soccer match against baylor.

for the first hour of my shift at starbucks i had to pass out sandwich samples. watch out subway cause we're making lunch.

i've been trying to make up different ways to slam espresso shots at work. may favorite so far is a shot with a pump of white mocha syrup and a little heavy whipping cream.

the new wes anderson moview called the life aquatic comes out in december. about freakin time.

i'm sure some time down the road i'll be eating my own words...

-therefore i urge you, brethren by the mercies of God to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.
Romans 12:1

as a worship leader for the youth at my church i have to say that i wrestle with trying to understand the concept of worship. when i re-entered life in the DFW area back in august of last year i had some grand plans to revamp the worship at my church. especially with the youth. when i was out in lubbock i was privileged to experience great worship led by musicians such as shane barnard, david crowder or robbie seay. every once in a while the passion tour would roll through bringing in chris tomlin and speaker louis giglio(sp?) . lubbock was spilling over with praise bands each one with decent talent. you could literally go to a worship gathering every night of the week. my friends and i chose to go to one that got together every tuesday night for about an hour and a half. it was mostly singing. maybe some prayer. maybe some scripture reading. but mostly singing. my first two year of school i remember thinking, "this is it, this is real worship." the songs are so good and the band plays long enough to allow you to "enter in." i think i tried to remind myself that worship can manifest itself in many different forms but there was something about singing that made that spiritual buzz so much more evident and even tangible.

two years of this would go by of hopping from worship gathering to worship gathering. some even took place in my roommates and my house. singing and praying all night. we were so spiritual. but something began to rub me wrong. something didn't click. in the middle of singing on a tuesday night i would find myself getting frustrate with all the singing. sometimes it was even annoying to listen to. i wanted to much rather spend time talking with the kids skate boarding in the parking lot outside. i wanted to spend time at a bar talking with a stranger. i wanted to be away from my christian friends just for a little bit. i wanted to be salt and light. i wanted to stop doing the "church thing".

over the years i have realized how easy it can sometimes be to get into a self-seeking frame of mind. to view my relationship with God as nothing more but a "thank you for saving me!" you have done such great things for me. and to continually reaffirm that through singing until i feel that i thanked him enough.

i recently went to mardel christian store to find some worships cds not only for myself but for the youth at my church. i remember returning to church after my trek to the store empty handed and telling my youth pastor that this so called modern worship movement is just plain cheesy. some of these song lyrics where so silly.

i just got back from a mission trip to houston last week which was probably one of the most incredible experiences i've gotten to be apart of. to me this trip seemed more like Romans 12:1 than anything else i have ever done. no amount of singing could compare with what we did in a week.

so i find myself constantly asking the question, "why do we sing?" and as i head back in to this fall semester i am still not sure about the answer. i don't want to provide that spiritual buzz for the youth that i so quickly jumped on my first couple years in college. more than anything i want these kids to understand that they are loved by God and that a relationship with Him is necessary. i want these kids to serve others before they serve themselves. and not because the church tells them to but because they understand that all have fallen short and that there is a desperate need for the world to know God.

i think there are several thoughts aggressively colliding here so my typing seems a bit dis-jointed. i think i need to stop for now.

try not to touch my sister's butt at her wedding because this might happen. well probably not but you will be pistol-whipped.

so i am sitting here playing on this nice taylor guitar and kind of regretting the fact that i gave it to my sister. the guitar was given to me while i was working at a camp in new mexico last summer by one of the church groups that attended. after worship one night a counselor from the group came up to me and said that he really felt like God wanted him to give me his guitar. i was really blown away by that statement and not really sure how to handle the situation. i mean, it was either tell him i didn't think God told him that or say thank you. i decided to say thank you and a week later this guitar arrived at camp.

since i already have a pretty nice acoustic guitar i decide to let pam take it to school with her because she really wanted to learn how to play. now pam is off somewhere and the guitar is sitting alone in her room. isn't there a saying that things always look better when it's not yours? well this guitar all of the sudden sounds pretty nice. and its small too. maybe she won't notice if i stuff her gig bag with newspaper.

off to houston for the next week. hopefully i'll have some good pics of the trip. catch ya on the flip side.

i lost myself in the summer rain...
 
the sky has that weird greenish orange glow to it.  it's pouring rain now.  i'm sitting here at the computer compiling worships songs for a mission trip to houston next week and i reek of espresso.  i'm excited about going on the trip.   there will only be about sixteen or seventeen of us going which will be a nice change from the usual sixty to seventy.  not sure what we will be doing but i'm sure it we be good for all of us.  i've been interested in doing inner-city work for a while now.   

i'm sleeping on a really cool futon now. i still can't believe my little sister is getting married.    the evening cd is really good.  can someone be pro-human and pro-choice at the same time?  deconstruction is a very interesting concept.  trying to pre-plan a worship set is hard for me to do.  especially a weeks worth. 

now the sky has turned a light purple. 

well, this guy at work officially quit so that now brings the guy/girl ratio to a wonderful 2:10.  to make things worse there is already a pretty strong "us verses them" mentality that i don't really care for.  my boss, who is a chick, told me the other day that she likes to blame things on the guys at work because the girls will cry if you try to do that to them.  i don't know about you but getting blamed for everything, even jokingly, gets kind of old after awhile.  i think that's why this other guy quit.  i'm enjoying the job but sometimes the people there are hard to work with. 

blah, blah, blah.... 
 
just got back from seeing the bourne supremacy and now i am waiting for a fellow partner at starbucks to close up shop so he can turn the keys over to me.  i got some time so i think i'll blog. 

i would love to talk about the show i saw last night at trees but it seems like i always talk about the shows i see.  however, the brief is: look for Radiant and Evening, these guys are good.  Ratatat i think are two brothers who where home schooled so they spent most of their time looping drum tracks and playing guitars along with it.  made for a pretty cool club atmosphere but it got a little old.  Someone said that Sorta sounded like Wilco.  I think the band would do well out in lubbock, but it's music like that that made me leave lubbock.  The Paper Chase made me smile.  i don't think their keyboard player ever had one lesson.  And the Killers ended the night with some tunes worth listening to.  that's all i got.

my family decided not to move.  i decision i am very pleased with.  it was just not worth it.  so now i don't have to vacuum my room every other day. 

funny story... a friend called me out of the blue the other day.  she was at school and some of her friends where talking about this guy they saw at chipotle.  apparently he was attempting to eat his burrito when it busted open spilling it contents on the floor.  my "friend" had called me to see if the person her friends where talking about in their story was me because she thought that was  something that would happen to me.  ok, like i said before this was a call out of the blue.  i hardly talk to her so i am not really sure what to think about the whole conversation on the phone.  i'm sure it was innocent enough but... the thought running through my head was "you never call me and when you do you are asking me if i was the guy who spilt a burrito in his lap because that situation reminded you of me."  i hate wrong impressions. 

well i got to go get some keys...

these words mean nothing to me anymore

so despite what the title of the store may entail, Bed Bath and Beyond sells neither beds nor bathes, and in a last ditch effort to find the beyond i ran into the back wall.

all i really want is a futon.

i've been so uninspired

this week has really been a tough one. maybe one that has allowed too much time for thought. that's it, i've been thinking too much.

yesterday i couldn't handle living at home with my parents. i couldn't handle this whole trying to sell our house, always having to keep my room perfect process. i couldn't handle the fact that i am 23, about to go into my fifth year of college, and i still have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life. i couldn't handle feeling like my life is in limbo.

so i drove to dallas. first i stopped off at my school and took care of some financial stuff. then i went into deep ellum to get some wooden plugs put in my ears. then i drove up to urban outfitters and bought some plain t-shirts and a pair of pants. i cruised down mockingbird lane to look at all the different houses (we have track homes where i come from) and also to wait out the traffic on 35. i got home a little after dinner time feeling better but nowhere near where i would like to be.

i am really struggling with being the change i want to see.

i was reading in 1st peter today about being a living stone and i was wondering why peter would say that. aside from the obvious correlations with the word 'stone', the word 'living' in particular stuck out to me. i have a pretty cool saltwater aquarium at my house with some colorful rock pieces. well when i purchased the rock when i was setting up the tank i had the option of buying more expensive rock known as "live rock". the reason it was called that was not because the rock itself was alive but because what was in the rock was alive. so my tie in is that it's only by Christ living in us that we can become living stones. he came that we might have life and have it abundantly.

so i rented the movie elephant the other day. a film written and directed by Gus Van Sant. pretty heavy stuff. despite the raw and disturbing violence this movie portrayed about a fictional school shooting i actually enjoyed the film. it was much like the way i would want to make a movie aside from the plot. the movie didn't have to make up a story or build up the characters. basically everything is already in motion and you, the viewer, just has to step in. the dialogue was simple and limited. everything about the movie was raw. raw, real, deep, simple, beautiful, painful, and unsettling. i liked it and would recommend it, but beware! it doesn't have a happy ending by any means. some people might need to chase it down with a little saturday night live: the best of will ferrel.

The Pepsi Smash-Ups

yesterday i watched a show that i normally, well, never watch only because my favorite band in the world href="http://www.switchfoot.com">switchfoot was performing on the WB's Pepsi Smash. the significance of the show was that switchfoot was going head to head with this band sugarcult for the encore and the viewing audience could vote on the internet for who they thought should come back and play. so i went and voted, and voted, and voted again but when it came time to announce the winner sugarcult got the encore and played pretty much the same little pop-punk song they played earlier. yes, i was a little disappointed. well, today i got an e mail saying that there was an error in the counting and that switchfoot actually won the encore. so to whom it may concern switchfoot will be performing dare you to move on the WB's pepsi smash off this sunday around 4pm or 5pm for the real encore.

i read somewhere that every heart is a profound mystery to the heart beating nearest it. and that's how i felt as our van left the el paso city limits around five in the morning and i looked off towards juarez, mexico, now just a black valley pitted by millions of fuzzy lights glowing burnt orange. yes, the lights where fuzzy, but that's because everything is fuzzy at five in the morning. but i couldn't stop thinking about the families we built the houses for. the kids we played soccer with. the old men sitting on cracked buckets outside their cardboard homes watching us ever so closely as we drove by. "where is the hope in all of this" my mind echoed. is it possible to ever leave the barrios of juarez and start a new life? do these people even want to leave or are they content to build cardboard house upon cardboard house for the generations to come? honestly i don't think these people really have a choice and as i watched those millions of tiny lights glow off in the distance that morning, the poverty of humanity slapped me in the face. i felt overwhelmed. i felt helpless. i saw something scary, something much bigger than me. i want to give up but i can't because Christ's love compels me and i know that there is a needy heart attached to those glowing lights. i can't imagine giving up now. i want people to know the hope and joy that comes in knowing Christ. i want this world to be fixed. i discovered this past week that as a Christian there is now room for hopelessness. or at least there shouldn't be. now lets make this clear that there is a difference between hopelessness and doubt. doubting is ok. it's just what you do with the doubt that can be bad. you still have a fighting chance with doubt. however, with hopelessness everyone goes home and nobody wins. you've pretty much thrown in the towel. the first couple of days in the barrio i was hopeless. hopeless that nothing would ever change for these people. but like i had said once before, sometimes my big ideas are no bigger than me. i was frustrated with my limitations. i wanted to believe that the three houses we built that week meant nothing in the grand scheme of things but i know that i would be missing the point entirely. there seemed like so many more people out there who needed help. but i'm so thankful that i don't have to fix everything. i am thankful that i don't need to fix everything. i am thankful that the God i have hope in is so much bigger than me and i hope i die trying to tell people that. it's my prayer that hopelessness would never be a stumbling block for any believer. may we never lose sight of the hope that is in God through Christ Jesus. we live in a world in need but let us not lose heart but run the race with endurance.

oh...what's that...one more caramel frappuccino?

here's to my new summer job.

but i didn't even drink the water

despite my best efforts to remain healthy i think mexico has gotten the best of me. i can't say i have ever felt this way before. my stomach keeps telling me that i am hungry but anything and everything i put down there gets rejected in the worst way. i haven't had a good night's rest since i've been back because even my dreams are about being sick. but other than being dehydrated and not getting to eat solid foods i had an incredible time in juarez, mexico last week.

our group put up three houses in four days with time to spare. it was pretty easy this year. too easy. in fact, my site finish several hours a head of the other groups so we had to think up some pretty cool games to pass time which involved throwing rocks and my shoes.

we had a few interruptions by some dust storms this year but i was pretty well acclimated to them after spending some time in west texas and new mexico. you know they say that the reason asians have such narrow eyes is because over time their top eye lid grew bigger to help protect their eyes from harsh dusty environments. so i've heard.

i got to hang with some pretty cool kids last week. played battleship with kristy brown, taught a pottery class with kate semmelbeck, and shook it like a polaroid with craig cannon. i got to lead worship again this year and it was encouraging to see how much the kids really got into it. now matter how much blood, sweat, and tears you put into this youth ministry stuff, i am slowly starting to realize why brent says he hopes to be doing this the rest of his life.

it's was truly an incredible week.

there's a little storm chaser in all of us


just when you get used to the different shades of blue, the sky gets splashed with a little of this.

a lesson learned in discipling a teen

you know, it's not always about what you want and it's not always about what the teen wants. but sometimes, just sometimes, it could be about what the parents want. scary.

this is what happens when you try and tell a bunch of college kids they are in violation of the "no more than two unrelated people can live together" law. it just doesn't work.

just for fun

the rooskey's
day job.

just ramblings

the western horizon burned orange, fading to purple, then gray
as it chased the afternoon thunderstorm away.

i heard someone say once that often times the harder the risk, the greater the reward. although we didn't have much of a storm tonight i was reminded of this as i watched the setting sun burn away the threatening clouds. i've been having sort of a melancholy week. i think my perserverence is being tested. some how tonight was an encouragement to keep running the race regardless of the weather.

sometimes i fail to realize how small my thinking can be. that my big ideas are no bigger than me.

it's weird to think that if i had done things differently, maybe even the normal way, i would have been graduating this week. But instead i am looking at about a year and a half more of school give or take a semester. sometimes i feel like i am never going to finish. every once in a while i think back and if i could do it all over again i would probably would have gone to some two year design school or something like that. but i don't regret anything. God has graced me with so many experiences and memories, trials and errors, upbeats and beat-downs. the path i am taking, although seemingly long and financially draining, i believe to be a path i could have never dreamed up myself. i know that God has a plan for me and i know that God's plan is at work now. not tomorrow, not ten years from now, but something i am currently stumbling through. i don't see past mistakes as regrets but as an experience. something to learn from. i try not to worry to much about the future. i know the decisions i make today effect tomorrow, but you know what? i'm sure there are going to be some decisions to be made tomorrow also. i guess what i am trying to say is that you can't plan too far ahead. i've changed majors three times now and i have to say that the further i've gone in life the better it has gotten. despite all my mistakes. it's by God's grace that i am here.

so i am not graduating this year. so what. i love school. i really feel sorry for all the kids who are just doing it to get through. what a sucky way to enter the "real world."

what do you think of the new site?

Has it come to this? i am standing in a room with no place to sit. it's crowded. everyone's there but i am alone.
he's standing in front of me wearing a brown corduroy jacket and dark aviators. he's passing a note to a girl behind us. i say, why her?
he says, she's just the one i saw.
cool.
somehow i am the link between their conversation.
we are all rubbing shoulders now. our bodies getting pressed up against the stage.
next to me she is searching in her purse. pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one up. takes a drag and blows smoke towards the ceiling.
she yells at the band that she loves sex
i say, nice camera. she is using a canon ae-1 program. i have the same one.
she says her step-dad was a photographer for aerosmith.
great story.
i notice her shirt and i ask her if she has heard the new modest mouse cd.
yes, it's awesome.
behind me a tired girl rests her head on my back.
i tell her it will all be over soon. i don't know why she felt like my back would make a good pillow.
the music is flowing through the room now.
to my left is scarlett johansson or at least i thought she looked like her.
she tells me that centromatic is a promising band.
i think they sound kind of post-petty. maybe even a little country. i don't really care for the style but i tell her i enjoyed the show.
now death cab for cutie, the band i came to see, is up and creates a sound that moves the room and my soul dances for the next hour. scarlett's hair bobs back and forth as she sways to the music.
i close my eyes and for a moment forget about all the people pressed in around me.
i leave after death cab performs and step out into the warm night air. my ears buzzing, still filled with music, but outside its quiet. i smell like smoke. i'm alone again. i begin walking to my car. a girl stumbles down the side walk as her boyfriend takes pictures of her. hustlers are hustling the hustle; caught off guard.
as i sit in my car, neon signs and street lights walking by, i feel a peace. i feel good. i realize i am addicted to music. i put off school, work, maybe even friends to go listen to some music, and yet while neglecting the obvious constructs of our society, i experience a part of reality one could never be taught in school. i was able to connect with those around me through the music. it's amazing the effect music can have on you when it's in tune with the strings of your heart and those around you.
it has come to this.

i wonder if balaam was ever accused by his servants of talking out of his ass?

sometimes i think that my strongest convictions are often the things i have the hardest time overcoming myself.

and they will know that we are christians by our t-shirts...

i've never really been a big fan of the whole door to door evangelism. to me it can seem so impersonal. the other day some J. W's came to my door with their program. i wanted so badly to just talk with them but every attempt at a conversation was cut short by them reciting their rehearsed scripture. i could hardly get a word in. i admire their courage and willingness to go around like that but to me it just seems so akward. i took a few tracks and sent them on their way.

so the other night i was hanging out in deep ellum with some friends and there were these guys with t-shirts reading christians on soul patrol standing outside the gates of concert. they where handing out what i could assume to be tracks. i didn't take one but instead told the first guy i am saved and the second one i encountered that i am a brother. neither one reacted but continued to hand out tracks to the next person. i guess i was kind of looking for a mini celebration or something with my new "christian" friends. you know, like a "no way, that's awesome" or maybe even a "praise God" from these guys. nothing. never even made eye contact with me. kind of bummed me out. even though what these guys where doing goes totally against my "what's with the tape on your nose" method, i'm not going to bash them for it. (maybe just their choice in t-shirt slogans) however, i will say that i have noticed in my life that when i come with my own agenda and set plans i just feel busy and burnt out. this is more of an aside thought than those said above but at any rate, i would be more prone to share a drink and conversation with someone than go door to door. i guess that's where the "my agenda" and personal relationship thing don't seem to match up to well in my life. i hate being busy. making time for other people is almost fuel for my life. lately i feel like i've been running a little low.

i think i am going to try and tell people about jesus without telling them about jesus. i will call it the "what's with the tape on your nose" method.

to the future mrs. ledbetter

speaking of not being who you were twenty four hours ago, (thanks heather for the reminder and jon foreman for writing a great song) my beautiful sister pam got engaged last night. part of me sits back in the easy chair (that's the big green chair for those of you who have experienced that which is the big green chair) with the mindset that this was inevitable and now we just role with the tide. no big deal, it's just marrige, right? wrong! then there's the other part of me that gets absolutely floored by the fact that my little sister is getting married. i can't believe it. i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm very excited but... MARRIED! i feel so old now.

the thought was weird at first but now i can't wait to watch those two grow together. jon's a great guy and i regret not hanging with him more. i guess it's good that they are getting married. now jon and i can hang.

this will be fun.

this weekend started a little early for me. my class on thursday was canceled and friday was a school holiday.

thursday morning got off to a rough start. i usually meet with nathan for coffee but my alarm never went off. then i was going to get my "easter" hair cut but i couldn't find the new place i was going to try so that didn't happen either. then i went to work to the tune of a thousand screaming kids. well, really just 55.

friday got better. pam and jon came in for the weekend. it's always nice seeing those two. i went and got my "easter" hair cut and later that night some friends and i went to see matt wertz and dave barnes down at the gypsy tea room. those guys really cater to a chick crowd these days.

saturday i went bowling with my family. my mom scored super cool points because she owns pink bowling shoes. how many moms out there do you know who own pink bowling shoes. yea, my mom rocks. later my buddy wes hooked the two of us up with all-access passes to the christian youth weekend event at six flags. we got back stage with the dave crowder band. those guys rock my whole face right off. man, a day of pink bowling shoes and the david crowder band. i am blessed!

today after church i have done nothing but watch season three of friends and eat. i kind of feel gross. i think i'll go to bed.

RHAPSODY Link

RHAPSODY Link

RHAPSODY Link

RHAPSODY Link

the art of road trip

a few months back a crazy idea to see a switchfoot show both in austin and in dallas was brainstormed, and became a reality this past weekend. i love switchfoot. i think i infect or irritate pretty much anyone who comes in contact with me and my obsession. i'm just glad i was on that train before mandy moore sang their only hope song and meant to live was all over the radio and mtv. i'm so thankful that these guys "crossed over" into the secular scene, and so successfully too. did anyone happen to catch them on trl? so anywho, i spent this last weekend hanging out with some very cool people and listening to incredible music. the montage cast of characters included riskey business, absolutely wiggins, hello heather, butterworth, and spaceman seth. all to be joined later by some of austin's finest peeps.

road trips are amazing. or at least this one happened to be. to sum it all up a group of us traveled all the way down to austin to listen to switchfoot and stay up all night at a twenty-four hour coffeeshop getting to know each other. i want to say that we could have simply stayed in dallas and done the very same thing but i can't. we spent a total of nine hours in a car together, more if you include all the time we spent just cruising the drag with the windows down listening to outkast, trying to make the most of the two days all on a little more than two hours of sleep.

on the way back, in a state of blurred consciouness along with what sounded like a thousand crickets chirping simultaneously in my head, i gazed out the window and thought about what a great trip it had been and the friendships that where made and strengthened. i wondered about how long things like this last. would the six of us ever meet up again at the metro to enjoy each others company and a cup of coffee. i am doubtful but hopeful. i am hopeful that new roadtrips will come. new friendships will be made. old memories will remain, building up the walls of who we are, adding to our character.

if you're ever in a rut, wondering what in the world you are going to do in life or with your life, if you're unsure of your passions, your interests, and even your flaws, go on a road trip with others. the best way to find out about yourself is to spend time with others.

i want to say thank you to all those who went on the trip. i had a blast.

Open House

after 18 great years in this house my family has decided that it is time to move. so the past few weeks have been busy with trying to get our house into some kind of sellable condition. things have been crazy. last weekend we opened our house to the public both saturday and sunday. it was weird having complete strangers walk thru our house. things were cool at first until i showed a couple my room. "and here's my room." no big deal. just 18 years of my life. 18 years filled fill the memories of jumping of the top bunk while trying to avoid the ceiling fan, making rainy day forts with bed sheets, playing g. i. joes and listening to matt nelson make the coolest machine gun sound effects, building castles and pirate ships with legos, staring out my open window on a hot summer night watching the neighbors walk by with their pets. i remember pulling everything out of my closet just so i could hide in it and eat banana chips. or pulling everything out from under my bed so i could hide under it. everything was a "fort". 18 years filled with the memories of nerf battles being fought just inside of my room, of slumber parties and remote controlled race cars. of prayers with my parents just before bed, of making carpet angels or sharing a bed with my little sister because she is afraid of the thunderstorm. 18 years of nail holes and thumb tacks in the wall. 18 years of dreaming, drawing, creating, building, exploring, all in that room. 18 years of crying, laughing, and maybe being a little afraid of what's in my closet. 18 great years and i wish i could remember them all in detail but i can't right now because i need to go type a paper of the divine attributes and actions of God. maybe i'll remember some more things later.

"the greatest apologetic is love."

When i consider Your heavens,
the work of Your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which
You have ordained;
what is man that You take
thought of him,
and the son of man that You care
for him?
Yet You have made him a little
lower than God,
and You crown him with glory
and majesty!

-Psalm 8: 3-5

there's a tension that lies within me, an opposition that pulls me every which way. often i take for granted the glory i've been given. i received a card from a friend today. every intention behind the letter was penned for encouragement but for some reason it stirred a conviction deep within me. a pride i thought i could hide behind a facade of humility was brought to light. how am i using humility to cover my pride? i am reminded of moses and his evasiveness to God's calling. telling God he can't speak eloquently. moses seems to be in a state of humbleness, but God's anger burns against moses. he has forgotten just who it is he serves. often in an attempt to glorify my own abilities i try to deny them even though God has called me to use them, not for my glory, but for His. that's my tension.

so who am i when i forget who i am in You,
and who am i when i hide
when the glory i'm seeking is wrapped up in pride
covered by a humble tide
forgive me when i forget that my strength comes from you
not of me, but you
and who am i that you are mindful of me,
and who am i that you care for me?
yet you have made me a little lower than God,
and crowned me with glory and majesty!
-thank you

it is my birthday

23, time to snowboard

aspen, salmon, wine.

today i...

-learned about a priori ontological arguments for the existence of God.
-aced my hebrews exam
-had lunch with professor jamie lash
-bought a firefish goby for my fish tank
-gathered worship songs for next weeks ski trip
-watched my incredible sister becca play soccer. (she's amazing and i love her)
-packed for the ski trip
-watched switchfoot perform on leno.
-went to bed (soon)

memories...

went and saw a sneak preview of the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind with some buddies from school last night. it's the new jim carrey movie written by charlie kaufman. it's a pretty cool flick. very crazy in the beginning but it keeps you involved the whole way. i liked it. go see it.

life on the playground...

today was somewhat of an interesting day down at forest vista extended school day. well, its usually always interesting but aside from the normality of having to answer the same question asked by fifty different kids or repeatedly having to reprimand them, not only did i come across the one ring of power on the playground (or did it come to me?) but i got to witness the marriage of ryanne young and joe foreman. a very unlikely couple indeed but love conquers all, right? it was definitely an informal wedding with shorts and t-shirts but was really a joyous celebration with dancing, throwing wood chips, running from the foursquare area to the big blue side. joe was all smiles as he tried to catch up with his new bride before being mauled by ryanne's bridesmaids. what really struck me as odd was that not but an hour later ryanne was seen carrying around her newborn.

crazy kids.

i often wrestle with the thought of being in the world but not of it. what all exactly does that involve? when thinking about the dualistic nature of secular vs. sacred that the church can unnoticeably slip into at times and the compartmentalization that can occur, i gathered these few thoughts...

we don't need christian doctors, we need doctors who are christian.

we don't need christian politicians, we need christians in politics.

we don't need christian artists, we need artists who are christian.

we don't need christian musician, we need musicians who are christian.

we don't need christian leaders, we need leaders who are christian.

we don't need christian coaches, we need coaches who are christian.

we don't need christian ceo's, we need ceo's who are christian.

we don't need christian teachers, we need teachers who are christian

and so on....

i get tired of reading reviews, mostly in the music seen, of "christian" bands getting bashed by "christian" writers because the band chooses to play in clubs and not at the local church. your christian faith should be evident in your walk and not by the fish on the back of your car.

a weekend in review...

this past weekend i traveled out to good old lubbock, texas with my buddy craig to visit some of my friends. it was a pretty quick trip but we definitely packed it all in. we rode into town around 8:30 friday evening and stopped off at my friend and previous boss' new establishment called sugar brown's coffee house. justin barnard, who is the creator of the local hit cilantro's burrito grille, is now trying his hand in the coffee industry. if you ever find yourself in lubbock,which, unless you have friends or family to see or the wind is blowing you in that direction, i don't see why you would just end up in lubbock, stop by sugar brown's and grab an aspen latte or one of their chai. you won't regret it.

after stopping by the shop and visiting with two good friends, marcus, the jazz guitar prodigy and emily, my frisbee golf and cilantro's buddy now known as banana seat, craig and i touched base with the vice president of walt disney world, THE ROOSKEY (a.k.a. daniel riskey) and his faithful sidekick mark "the mech-tech" alpert. after chatting for a few at the rooskey's apartment, the four of us headed back up to sugar brown's to meet up with jennifer "the pi phi ball'a" tollet and chrisanna "fake mom" sinclair. the rest of friday evening was spent catching up and reminiscing over times past.

we kicked off the following day by visiting robert bruno's unfinished metal creation overlooking ransom canyon, which is located just outside of Lubbock city limits. after gazing at bruno's thirty year labor of love, we dropped my snowboard off at ski lubbock, yes, that's right, i said ski lubbock, to get it waxed and the edges sharpened in preparation for the spring break ski trip. the rest of the morning was spent at sugar brown's playing chess and studying for school.

for lunch, craig, rooskey, emily, jennifer and i all enjoyed phat and fat burritos from cilantro's. then we burned it off by going to see the new starsky and hutch movie. after that we sat and traded stories some more while eating ice cream at cold stones. our group was later joined by the greatness of seth "starbucks" forgot his last name for a round of putt putt golf and go kart races, slices of pizza at one guy's and drinks once again at sugar brown's. and just when we thought the evening was going to retire, craig, the rooskey, emily, dave "big hair" hill, and i finished the night off with a round of frisbee golf on the tech campus. always a blast regardless of how bad i play.

it was truly a rich weekend. i miss all my friends out in lubbock very much. thanks for putting up with me. daniel, thanks again for letting craig and i stay at your pad. lubbock may not be the greatest place to live but it's sure nice to visit once in a while.

i am currently caught between the noetic effects of sin, pie charts and bar graphs, apologetics, and the High Priest, spreadsheet fundamentals and Psalms. i have a quiz tomorrow in my intro to computer class and a test on wednesday in philosophy of religion. andrew peterson is singing to me stories of coral castles and memories of growing up. the effects of the chai i had earlier are slowly fading. the house is settling down for the night. the low drone of the fan in my computer could put those struggling with insomnia to sleep. peterson begins picking on his guitar a familiar verse, a song titled three days before autumn, which he wrote for Rich Mullins after he died. it's a beautiful song balancing the sorrow of losing a loved one but rejoicing knowing they are in eternal fellowship with God, something we can be partakers of now.

...cause i'm broken, and breathless, and bent to the ground
and i'm listening Lord but i don't hear a sound
though the angels in heaven are dancing around
to the music that i want to hear.
and i'm watching and wishing and wondering why
this silence is louder the harder i try
though i can't believe it but i can't deny
that the winter came early this year...

ok, thanks to my A.D.D. that was a refreshing break. now back to reformed epistemology and rows and columns.

here are, what i thought to be, some interesting quotes from today's Debating The Passion article found in the Dallas Morning News.

-"the passion is excessively, obsessively violent, much like other Gibson films. And that's ironic, given that much of Jesus' message and legacy concern the importance of peace and love." -Chris Vognar

-"To me the heartbeat of Christianity is in the Sermon on the Mount, but that gets nanoseconds of screen time as Gibson grinds on with his grotesque 19th century Catholic contemplation of The Stations of the Cross." -Jane Sumner

-"...the obsession with extreme physical sensations. it also reflects the media-made creatures we have become: we have to see something on-screen to make it real to us." -Tom Maurstad

-"Viewing it is not a healing experience. I am very much afraid that it's on-screen carnage could easily result in off-screen carnage as well as intolerance rather than peace." -Philip Wuntch

-"If only the film played less like a parade of pain and more like a plea for love and forgiveness." -Philip Wuntch

so lets make Jesus out to be a modern day hippie and make sure Gibson gets the blame for the "excessive" violence. we'll also make sure that our idea of angels are those cute naked babies with harps(just tossed that one in). i think some people are going to be a little surprised with the second coming. peace and love was never that easy.

so i think i am done talking about
the passion until provoked to do otherwise.

get this!!!

if you go to rapture letters.com you can write letters to "unbelieving friends and family" which they will receive after the rapture has taken place. you add their names to some database and a letter will be sent out the first friday after the rapture, and receive another letter each friday after that. wow! check out the letter.

what i got from this...get off the computer and go hang out with your friends and family!

saw the passion last night. great flick. wasn't too shocking or what i thought would be hard to watch. for some reason it was almost exactly what i thought it would be. however, as i left the theater the only words i could conjure up between the tearful sobs was "i'm sorry" and "thank you".

some of that sorrow came from knowing that it took hollywood to remind me.

success, full success!

i think a personal high point for me this weekend during the real teens bible conference was when i made the pick up for a very important drug deal at grapevine mills mall. i didn't think the mall was the most ideal place for an exchange either but i don't ask questions. i do my job and then i'm out. so i parked my car near the north west side of the mall and entered through neighborhood 2. some lady said something about me "ustedes la pasando por la entrada" but i wouldn't let that distract me. in order to avoid suspicion and being followed, i stopped by sun and ski sports to exchange some socks and then made my way to the pick up point. "look for the round table closest to the north entry into polar ice. the goods will be there" i repeated over and over in my head. my heart raced as i approached the pick up point. my eyes darted back and forth, scanning the scene for anything suspicious. cameras, men with dark sun glasses, clowns, whatever. coast was clear. the goods where right where they left them. i casually walked by, grabbed the shoes, and.... wait! what!?! that's right, shoes... so i really wasn't involved in this big drug deal. probably better that way, and besides, i pass on grass. it just so happened that i was the most available person to make a trip back up to polar ice to retrieve some shoes one of our mid-school girls left there. i just wanted to add some excitement to the whole thing.